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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie