Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
peep davidson
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
quarantine day 3
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.