[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
You Might Also Like
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about