wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.