Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 馃槧
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
All is fair in drunk and war.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It鈥檚 the only logical explanation.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
馃悥馃惙
馃惤
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Always…
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.