May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic