When you’re here for the treats.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend