My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
what day is it?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*