Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Happy Thanksgiving
Florida man
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents