Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
saving face 👀
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
these two trucks have the same bed length
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown