After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.