Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.