the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.