I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
my favorite genre of twitter
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.