*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”