Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY