Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
You Might Also Like
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
my name if I was in the mob
Hmmmmm
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.