The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
You Might Also Like
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed