Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
They’re called werewolves.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
taking June’s advice to heart
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.