Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*