Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*