Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
You Might Also Like
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*