What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
#Caturday
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.