I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
i made a craigslist ad !
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.