It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m putting together a team
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.