Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
This meal prepping shit easy
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
TRAIN’S HERE
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Bootstraps
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.