ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Rambo Rambow
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
mentally somewhere in italy
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*