Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese