The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.