ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?