[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever