No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Beards are a privilege, not a right