You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
You Might Also Like
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them