*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.