People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
#Caturday
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Worst bar ever.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence