[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
You Might Also Like
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
no one ever comes back
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween