[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
haha same
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose