On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other