I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
just pretend nothing happened
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.