[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
that colleague who touches your screen
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.