japanese corn
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
i smell a pulitzer
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.