Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
my professor scared me for a second
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?