me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
For the baby who has everything
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.