Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee