me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Welcome
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”