Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.