*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
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so, is there a mister shapen head
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”