I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.