Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it ππππ
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ββ ββββ is βββββ ββββ and ββ ββββ.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 PokΓ©mon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
βHi Iβm an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.β
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Banker: So, youβd like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: Iβm in.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
canβt keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play βcareless whisperβ
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now Iβve no choice but to eat it all.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, ββ¦What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?β
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If you, donβt know, how, to properly use a comma donβt use, them ok.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Iβm not wrong
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
βYour Songβ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.