Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
my proudest tweet
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
#Caturday
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated